Monday trail run...

Sucked crap through a tube.

I cannot believe I am paying someone to make me sprint through woods for four miles and almost cause me to have a heart attack.

The training session was the absolute worst so far. I arrived early, met and chatted with some of his other clients. He told me that we were going to do a warm-up lap and then a timed lap. I thought two laps sounded short so I proudly exclaimed "but you had me down for four miles today". The coach replied back, "ohhh, don't worry, each lap is over two miles".

"Great", I thought. I ran my first four mile run two days earlier and he was now going to have me running over four miles through trails.

Trail running is much harder than regular sidewalk, asphalt or track running. While hitting the trails, you are running on soft dirt, avoiding sticks, ducking under branches, avoiding puddles, slipping in mud...etc. None of that crap is present on sidewalks.

Also, before we started running, a bunch of guys came running out of the woods and said "hi" to the coach. All of these guys looked like runners, tall, skinny, nothing but legs and lungs, and I knew that at some point their running was going to effect me in some way.

So, down the trails we ran and I immediately went to the back of the pack. Everyone there had been running longer than me, and, it was a warm up lap. "So", I thought, "I will just take this lap at an easy pace and not worry about it". Man did my intention not hold up. "Come on Robbie" said the coach, "lets go to the front of the pack and have everyone follow us...I am going to show them a new trail today." "F*&k me" I thought. We darted off and sure enough, after taking a turn that the professional runners missed, we were in front. The lungers ultimately caught up to us, and it was just me and the coach with his other four clients jogging behind us.

We kept moving at a pretty brisk pace and then the coach fell back to run with his other clients. It was at this time that I backed off my pace a bit because 1. I suck and wanted a break, and 2. the trails we were running on were all uphill.

How is this possible you ask? I have no f*^king clue but I swear to god, every trail was uphill. We did not go back downhill one time. It was like this coach plotted out the worst possible run ever with no down hill stretches. "Say, how can I make the worst possible run ever and make people who pay me money subjected to it once a week....no downhills in a trail run muwahahahahaa".

The last half mile stretch of the run included a steep incline of about forty five degrees. No shit, forty five degrees. The incline went for about a quarter mile and I ran up it at what I thought was a pretty decent pace. I was on my own, so I was keeping my eyes set on the professional runners up ahead of me to let me know where I was going. I was actually keeping up with them pretty well until we hit that incline. At that point, those guys just sprinted right on up the hill and left my fat ass behind. I did see where they turned though, or so I thought, and when I made it up the hill I took a left on the next trail I saw. "Wrong turn Robbie, Hold up", said coach. I went back to the hill and saw the coach and one of his other clients jogging up towards me.

When they reached me the coach said, "alright [client], go tell the others we are going to run the lap again at twenty minutes...see if y'all can catch us". Now, at this point, there were only three of "us" standing there. Thus, if he told one person to go tell the others to catch "us", his definition of "us" was obviously me and him. "F&(k me".

"Come on Robbie", said coach, and we were off. The coach started running, not jogging, and, much to my chagrin, I followed him. We went over the same uphill, bastard course that I had just ran, but we were going about fifty percent faster than the previous lap. Within the first five minutes I was already out of breath and feeling like I was going to have a heart attack. "Come on Robbie, don't let them catch us" yelled coach. The definition of them, at this point, included those professional runners made up on nothing but legs and lungs. "F*&k them" I thought, "I am going to die".

We kept speeding through the jungle of Spanish Fort and the coach kept sprinting away saying things like "we are almost there", "don't let them catch us" and "we are about to be on a down-hill". That last part made me huff back "there are no freaking downhills", but all John could probably hear was "there wheeze cheese grater grits" due to the effect the pace was having on my ability to breath and live. We kept sprinting until we came around a curve that had been burned into my memory from the previous lap, "fat man's death curve" as I like to call it. Yes, the ominous curve before the "hill of doom".

The coach started up the hill, bounding away with no worries in the world, "come on Robbie, attack the hill" he said cheerfully. "Bologna sand dingus" is all I could muster out while sprinting up Mount death. I put my head down, looked at my feet and started running as fast as I could up the hill. "There you go Robbie, now we are running" said the coach. "Burp blimpie corn bread" I coughed and just knew the end of the torturous journey was up ahead.

NOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!. It turns out we had another half mile to run to get back to where we had parked. "Come on Robbie, almost there" yelled coach. By this point, all the talking and running had caused me to develop a pretty bad stitch in my side and all I could do was wheeze and die slowly. I kept running with him until I saw that beautiful, dirty, old mustang of mine and knew the end of the death march was coming up. I sprinted to the end and felt like Cory Haim at the end of Lucas when I reached that car of mine.

"Good run Robbie" exclaimed the coach. "We beat them and made our time of twenty minutes on the dot".

Roughly a minute later the rest of the people came out and I did not stick around to chat. I needed water, and fast. I hopped in my car and sped home.

Well, the good news is that I made the run and am on track to complete all of my runs this week. The bad news is two-fold, 1. I have been in court a lot so lifting weights has been pushed off, 2. I have to run trails again next week. Shit!!!!!